My Spiritual Journey #5: What Wicca Means to Me

So I've done some soulsearching and research since my last journal entry, and I've decided that in order to bring back the feeling of being spiritually fulfilled I need to make a point to focus on Wicca as a whole and less on the intricacies. I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed and maybe it's better if I start with the big picture.
Why am I Wiccan? I understand the energies the Earth gives off. I understand the concept of maneuvering them. I agree with the idea that all things in nature are masculine, feminine, and hermaphroditic. I also agree that nature regulates itself and everything in it-- plants, animals, humans, insects, and all unnatural things. In order to adapt to change that a species in nature created, nature will accommodate for or against it. I agree that since I am a part of nature I must respect it, show my respect, and thereby attach representing names to aspects of nature in order show it my respect. I feel as though this path best represents how I feel about things I can't see, touch, or taste.
What is Wicca to me? It's a special understanding of not only the natural but the supernatural. It's a reverence for the things that existed before humanity, and a willingness to live in a respectful manner with nature. It is a belief that natural energies can be manipulated, with or without ritual.

My Spiritual Journey #4: Finding Comfort in Yourself

It's still a task to keep true to my beliefs, as different and unusual as they may seem to some. My fiancé doesn't actually help at all, in fact, in many ways Robert is sort of shoving me back into the broom-closet I have been free from since 2003. I know he isn't actually doing it on purpose, but expecting me to hide my altar furniture in a china cabinet, being upset when I want to do the simplest ritual when he's home, criticizing the very basest of concepts that have been proven as fact by historians, anthropologists, and the like... I find it so frustrating.

You know, I used to enjoy conversations with people about our differences in opinion in regard to religion or even a lack thereof. Neither would try to force the other to concede as being incorrect or false, but when I have these conversations with Robert I feel as though he is trying to force me into changing my beliefs in order to fit into his Leave it to Beaver-esque idea of how a family properly functions and how a relationship, even a marriage, works. We are to be of the same religious background. We are to be in total agreement on everything, all the time, and if we aren't, his decision supersedes mine. I have allowed it to be this way for the first month of living in our own house, officially a family, just to see if his way is something I could tolerate, or even accept. I have decided through careful thought that it isn't. I cannot bend, I cannot live in secret, I cannot become some subservient housewife with a drinking problem because that's the only way she can cope with the loss of her sense of self. Granted, I had children at a young age, and to a point, I lost a lot of my "self" years ago. But that sacrifice I made intentionally because I wanted my child (and now children) to know that the piece of myself I lost I got back in her. It sounds cliché, but there are some things I refuse to give up for the love of another. Yes, I will stay home and take care of the household and the children, but when it comes to household decisions, we are to compromise and communicate. The man of the house no longer has the right to dictate his significant other, even in their spiritual journey. Especially in their spiritual journey. I know it's not place to do it to him, and he should respect me enough to show me the same courtesy.

My Spiritual Journey #3: Conflicting Views

In my last journal entry, I talked about being at sort of an impasse spiritually. I was dealing with conflict in myself, in my faith, and in my life in general. I think now, with all of the work I've thrown into bettering my life, spiritually and otherwise, I can finally say with conviction that I am a Pagan woman. I am always facing challenges to it, even in my own home, but I know I can back up a lot of what I believe with factual information, scientific theory, and personal experience.
So I guess some people in my little spiritual circle find it interesting that I have fallen in love with a man who is the perfect contradiction and at the same time the perfect compliment to me. Spiritually, we conflict on a lot of things such as whether or not what is written in the Bible in unequivocally true (his idea) or a compilation of stories that have been translated so many times one can't take anything said in the book literally (my idea). I don't deny him his ability to believe as he chooses, and he doesn't deny me mine, but he does like to challenge the things that I have learned to have truth to them. I know for a fact the Earth is made up of energy--he doesn't deny that, but he won't accept that humans have the capability to manipulate that energy because we are a part of it, not separate from it. That is, at it's core, the basis for many Earth-centered religions-- the use of the Earth's natural energy to bring about our own success or demise and that we are able to do so because we are a part of that energy. At the same time, he and I have the same warped sense of humor, he doesn't judge me for what I believe in and refuses to let me lose faith in it or myself, even if our being together could potentially get him in trouble with the local religious leaders only because I am pagan, and traditionally pagans are seen as "the Devil's right-hand" among the people with whom he worships. He knows better, and yet his faith teaches this and it conflicts with what he knows to be true.
Still, life brings new twists and turns, and my faith is constantly being challenged by it.

My Spiritual Journey #2: Challenges

Facing some challenges this week...
I'm afraid to go much further introducing my children to the path. I'm really unsure on how to relate to them, and from what I can tell, there's been enough inappropriate influence from former teachers and friends that I am afraid it's too late to teach them anything. I try and I get this look like I'm nuts. My oldest erupts into tears because her eight-year-old mind can't wrap itself around the idea that our family is different. Right now our home-lives are relatively unstable, and I feel that until we (again) have our own home with our own space, I cannot give my children the exposure to Wicca that I feel they deserve.
I've not written a spell in years. Last one I wrote backfired, badly. Yet again, I'm afraid to try it. Found some really beautifully written spells that obviously were given much thought, but would a list of such be an interesting read? Maybe, maybe not.
As far as the topic of divination goes, it fascinates me. I love my tarot cards, I've had them for years. That's the most experience I've had with divination.  Next project? Making a scrying mirror.
I've been taking some online courses through WSI or Witch School International (www.witchschool.com) as a sort of refresher. I have forgotten a lot of information, and I'm not entirely sure this is a path I should be taking, because for one, I don't really have the time to devote to reading and re-reading the passages. I personally think this is better if you've got time to really devote to it. I have to be able to do things at my leisure.
So, here I am, at an impasse.  Do I continue ahead and make myself go forward knowing ultimately I will be happier if I do? Do I take a few steps back, catch my breath, and re-think what I've chosen?
Until next time...

My Spiritual Journey #1: Back to Basics

I'd like to devote a few postings to my spiritual journey.
When I was fifteen, I became interested in the spiritual path called Wicca. For those who don't know Wicca is a derivative of Neo-Paganism that focuses on harnessing the natural energy of the earth sky water and air around you and worship deities that represent such. In it's tenants Wiccans do not under any circumstances claim to be "the one true religion" or anything like that. Wiccans practice their spirituality and don't preach that what they believe in is better than any other spirituality.  Wiccans are peaceful people.
Since then my interest in the varied Wiccan paths has become stronger. It became less of a belief in the commonplace form of Wicca and more of an eclectic Wicca filled with ideas that had come though my experiences, and things that I'd seen and felt involving the paranormal and supernatural. Unfortunately I hit a spiritual brick wall.
In the Spring of 2008 my family was ripped apart, and I lost all faith in anything including myself. It's been four years, and I'm still trying to find my way back. I've got books online I read, I still have my altar and all it's dressings which I've collected over the years. I'm just having problems really connecting to it and feeling close to it the way I used to. I want that back. I think that's part of the reason my kids are being overly influenced by the status quo; because they're not actually connecting to this beautiful world that I've experienced.
I want them to see that all spiritual paths are beautiful, and even though nobody can prove they're the "one and true" path, all should be accepted because as long as it brings happiness to the world, then noone is wrong.